1. Ricky Martin is so gay he puts his jeans on backwards to save time.
2. BBC News: A few months ago Dragons' Den star James Caan has called on people to donate more aid for the victims of Pakistan's floods. An interesting pitch, James, but I'm not sure I'm ever going to see a return on my investment, so I wish you the best of luck with it, but... I'm OUT.
3. The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"
4. My mate told me that I just don't understand irony. Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
5. I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.
6. I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."
7. If I had a pound for every time someone called me stupid, I'd have £2.50.
8. My girlfriend has just left me, because apparently I don't finish normal sentences the way they are supposed to be animal porn.
9. Today, I created a new group on Facebook. "People who pretend to be various wind machines" I'm a fan.
10. My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I'd do anything to win her back.
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