1.Man City are expected to win the race to sign Wayne Rooney after offering him 230 Grans a week.
2.Saw a picture of Wayne Rooney's kid in The Sun today. Anyone else think he looked a bit like John Terry?
3.Apparently Wayne Rooney was deprived as a child. Of oxygen by the looks of it.
4.Why did Wayne Rooney cross the ball? Because he's too thick to sign his own name.
5. Wayne Rooney is pleased to announce that he's signed up for a five book deal.........That's an awful lot of crayons he's gonna get through.
6.What have Alex Ferguson and a prostitute got in common? They both have to pull Wayne Rooney off after a poor performance.
7.Sports Latest - Doctors have just confirmed that Wayne Rooney's hair transplant has rejected his face.
8.Wayne Rooney's video game out now: Pre-Evolution Soccer.
9. Wayne Rooney - "United have won so many trophies I can't count." He's missing a full stop after trophies there.
10.Just seen that Wayne Rooney has spent £1200 on a hooker. Thats about 1% of his weekly wage. Would hate to see what I'd get for 1% of my wages.
Thursday, 30 June 2011
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
10 Jokes a Day: The Emile Heskey Edition
1. I think that Emile Heskey would play much better if he spent more time training and less time endorsing Premier Inn.
2. England players: protect yourself from Emile Heskey by disguising yourself as a goal.
3. A new Mr Men character has been suggested, based on Emile Heskey. Mr Sitter.
4. Bin laden is dead! Killed by a stray shot from Emile Heskey.
5. Following Ryan Giggs' new deal with Manchester United, Emile Heskey thinks it's about time he had talks about getting a new contract. His agent is confident he can get him 300 minutes and unlimited texts for £25.00 a month.
6. Emile Heskey went on a large shooting spree in Birmingham... No-one was hit.
7. How do you confuse Emile Heskey? Give him a football.
8. Today in a pre-season training session, Emile Heskey's 1000 shots all hit the net. Shame they were playing tennis.
9. Nothing says you've conceded defeat like bringing on Emile Heskey.
10. Emile Heskey has hit out at his critics. ...and missed.
2. England players: protect yourself from Emile Heskey by disguising yourself as a goal.
3. A new Mr Men character has been suggested, based on Emile Heskey. Mr Sitter.
4. Bin laden is dead! Killed by a stray shot from Emile Heskey.
5. Following Ryan Giggs' new deal with Manchester United, Emile Heskey thinks it's about time he had talks about getting a new contract. His agent is confident he can get him 300 minutes and unlimited texts for £25.00 a month.
6. Emile Heskey went on a large shooting spree in Birmingham... No-one was hit.
7. How do you confuse Emile Heskey? Give him a football.
8. Today in a pre-season training session, Emile Heskey's 1000 shots all hit the net. Shame they were playing tennis.
9. Nothing says you've conceded defeat like bringing on Emile Heskey.
10. Emile Heskey has hit out at his critics. ...and missed.
Monday, 27 June 2011
10 Jokes a Day: The Chuck Norris Edition!
1. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
2. Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
3. Chuck Norris Lost His Virginity Before His Dad.
4. When God said "let there be light" Chuck Norris said "say please".
5. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
6. One day, a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg... After five days of deathly pain, the cobra finally died.
7. I played Chuck Norris at Connect Four. He beat me in three moves!
8. With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
9. Chuck Norris is the only guy to read twilight and not be gay.
10. Specsavers should have gone to Chuck Norris.
Check out RECESSIONBEATINGTIPS.COM to see which joke is the joke of the day!
2. Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
3. Chuck Norris Lost His Virginity Before His Dad.
4. When God said "let there be light" Chuck Norris said "say please".
5. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
6. One day, a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg... After five days of deathly pain, the cobra finally died.
7. I played Chuck Norris at Connect Four. He beat me in three moves!
8. With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
9. Chuck Norris is the only guy to read twilight and not be gay.
10. Specsavers should have gone to Chuck Norris.
Check out RECESSIONBEATINGTIPS.COM to see which joke is the joke of the day!
Friday, 24 June 2011
10 Jokes a Day: Rapture, Ryan Giggs and Much More
1. I can hear music coming out of my photocopier. I think the paper's jammin' again.
2. Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the car park."
3. I was told to listen to Rebecca Black's single 'Friday'. For the first time ever I wished I had been Rick rolled.
4. People are making Rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow.
5. Giggs is a national hero in Wales at the moment. For the first time in living memory, jokes about a Welshman having sex don't involve sheep.
6. Chuck Norris won an award today...... Kanye West sat politely in his seat.
7. I recently saved a ton of money on my car insurance. By fleeing the scene of the accident.
8. 22 identical sealed boxes. A quarter of a million pounds. And just one question. What else is on?
9. I'd kill for a prison sentence.
10. Did anyone else think that Mel Gibson's remake of the 'Life of Brian' wasn't nearly as funny as the original?
2. Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the car park."
3. I was told to listen to Rebecca Black's single 'Friday'. For the first time ever I wished I had been Rick rolled.
4. People are making Rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow.
5. Giggs is a national hero in Wales at the moment. For the first time in living memory, jokes about a Welshman having sex don't involve sheep.
6. Chuck Norris won an award today...... Kanye West sat politely in his seat.
7. I recently saved a ton of money on my car insurance. By fleeing the scene of the accident.
8. 22 identical sealed boxes. A quarter of a million pounds. And just one question. What else is on?
9. I'd kill for a prison sentence.
10. Did anyone else think that Mel Gibson's remake of the 'Life of Brian' wasn't nearly as funny as the original?
Thursday, 23 June 2011
10 Jokes a Day: New Chelsea Boss, Charlie Sheen and Much More
1.The new Chelsea boss has vowed to make Fernando Torres twice the player he was last season. I can't wait to see his two goals.
2.Did you know that, if you watch Lord of the Rings backwards, it's a story about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the film walking home...
3. My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with the lads. They thought the movie sucked....... But that was nothing compared to my crappy night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up.
4. How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
5. The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops. Although, they do make me look a bit gay.
6. Does anyone else find it strange that you can set your religion on Facebook to "Amish"?
7.My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
8.I put a hundred quids worth of fuel into my car and then drove off without paying. Unfortunately the police caught me after a short chase. I ran out of petrol half a mile down the road.
9.It's Rebecca Black's birthday today, today she is 14, last year she was 13, next year she is 15, and 16 comes after that.
10. My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together........ Which is a shame, because I really fancy him.
2.Did you know that, if you watch Lord of the Rings backwards, it's a story about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the film walking home...
3. My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with the lads. They thought the movie sucked....... But that was nothing compared to my crappy night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up.
4. How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
5. The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops. Although, they do make me look a bit gay.
6. Does anyone else find it strange that you can set your religion on Facebook to "Amish"?
7.My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
8.I put a hundred quids worth of fuel into my car and then drove off without paying. Unfortunately the police caught me after a short chase. I ran out of petrol half a mile down the road.
9.It's Rebecca Black's birthday today, today she is 14, last year she was 13, next year she is 15, and 16 comes after that.
10. My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together........ Which is a shame, because I really fancy him.
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
10 Jokes a Day: Facebook, Ricky Martin and much more
1. Ricky Martin is so gay he puts his jeans on backwards to save time.
2. BBC News: A few months ago Dragons' Den star James Caan has called on people to donate more aid for the victims of Pakistan's floods. An interesting pitch, James, but I'm not sure I'm ever going to see a return on my investment, so I wish you the best of luck with it, but... I'm OUT.
3. The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"
4. My mate told me that I just don't understand irony. Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
5. I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.
6. I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."
7. If I had a pound for every time someone called me stupid, I'd have £2.50.
8. My girlfriend has just left me, because apparently I don't finish normal sentences the way they are supposed to be animal porn.
9. Today, I created a new group on Facebook. "People who pretend to be various wind machines" I'm a fan.
10. My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I'd do anything to win her back.
GOT A JOKE? LET ME KNOW AND IT WILL APPEAR HERE AND -----> HERE
2. BBC News: A few months ago Dragons' Den star James Caan has called on people to donate more aid for the victims of Pakistan's floods. An interesting pitch, James, but I'm not sure I'm ever going to see a return on my investment, so I wish you the best of luck with it, but... I'm OUT.
3. The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"
4. My mate told me that I just don't understand irony. Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
5. I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.
6. I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."
7. If I had a pound for every time someone called me stupid, I'd have £2.50.
8. My girlfriend has just left me, because apparently I don't finish normal sentences the way they are supposed to be animal porn.
9. Today, I created a new group on Facebook. "People who pretend to be various wind machines" I'm a fan.
10. My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I'd do anything to win her back.
GOT A JOKE? LET ME KNOW AND IT WILL APPEAR HERE AND -----> HERE
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
10 Jokes a Day: Heskey, Germans and The Monkeys
I hope you enjoy these jokes and make sure to comment! The most popular will be used on my website in the Daily Blog Section.
1. Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school......... But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home.
2.When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.................. And then I saw her face.
3. Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?........... Max Factor should make condoms.
4. Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals. Rene Higuita (Colombia) 68 caps, 8 goals. Jose Luis Chilavert (Paraguay) 74 caps, 8 goals......... Unlucky Emile, the other two are goalkeepers...
5. I can't believe that Ryan Giggs missed training in the week of the Champions League final. It's almost like he doesn't understand the meaning of commitment.
6. They say once you go black, you never go back............... I'd love to see that one on MythBusters.
7. I bet Jehovah's Witnesses have some good knock knock jokes...
8. If you were born in Gotham City and your first name is 'The', there's a good chance you'll turn out to be a villain.
9. My wife says I'm too impulsive........ What the hell does she know?.......... She only met me yesterday.
10. Statistically, Nein out of ten Germans are attractive. (Sorry German guys but it's a good'un)
Comment on your favourite or include a joke of your own and it will be posted along with a link to your blog!
1. Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school......... But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home.
2.When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.................. And then I saw her face.
3. Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?........... Max Factor should make condoms.
4. Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals. Rene Higuita (Colombia) 68 caps, 8 goals. Jose Luis Chilavert (Paraguay) 74 caps, 8 goals......... Unlucky Emile, the other two are goalkeepers...
5. I can't believe that Ryan Giggs missed training in the week of the Champions League final. It's almost like he doesn't understand the meaning of commitment.
6. They say once you go black, you never go back............... I'd love to see that one on MythBusters.
7. I bet Jehovah's Witnesses have some good knock knock jokes...
8. If you were born in Gotham City and your first name is 'The', there's a good chance you'll turn out to be a villain.
9. My wife says I'm too impulsive........ What the hell does she know?.......... She only met me yesterday.
10. Statistically, Nein out of ten Germans are attractive. (Sorry German guys but it's a good'un)
Comment on your favourite or include a joke of your own and it will be posted along with a link to your blog!
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